


Momento Mori

by Homesweetdali



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Domestic, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sassy, Season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-04
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-04 06:50:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/707801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Homesweetdali/pseuds/Homesweetdali
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you deal with loss?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the Beginning There Was...

**Author's Note:**

> Begins at some point in season 8 then diverges into post season 8 au wherein the trials have been dealt with/the aftermath.

 "Just make sure the blade's been blessed by a virgin-...I dunno, Garth, try the local arcade. What-oh, okay.  
...Kevin-how's it going, man? ...  
Hey- have you found anything on..."

"No, no that's fine-yeah sounds good, I'll keep looking into it."

...

"Yeah, no-I know... Hey listen, I'll talk to you guys later, okay? Bye."

   It was raining very heavily that night when Sam came into the Bunker, away from the hard rain. He was drenched from head to toe-dark spots seeped down into his denim jacket and all over his pant legs.

He rolled his shoulders back tensely as he walked in, tightening his grip on the brown leather bag that hung snugly over his right shoulder.

Taking off his shoes and socks he quickly made his way downstairs, into the library. He wasted no time in pulling out the many clusters of books and papers that had been kept jammed up into the leather bag from before.  
Breathing out heavily, Sam moved the papers around the table by manner of importance.

For one reason or another, he had become entirely focused. He didn't even notice how much he'd been dripping-droplets flung here and there, falling onto the papers and table from having had to repetitively sweep the bangs from out of his eyes.  
Perturbed, Sam stopped trying to fix his hair and took off to the nearest restroom.

He paused momentarily in front of the mirror before his eyes darted down to one of the mahogany drawers from which he pulled out a pair of finely sharpened silver scissors.

Hair already wetted-he began to snip at the edges with an eagerness, only hesitating when he'd thought he heard some rustling noise in the distance. Shortly after, his hand slipped making him cut off more than he intended to.  
This didn't phase him for long-he continued to cut further, keeping the length he'd set for himself by mistake.

In the end, it was really quite short-shorter than it had ever been in a long time.

Sam gripped the porcelain counter-top, pressing forward with his head bowed and sighed. He'd been doing that a lot lately.

Regardless, he collected the hair that remained and threw it into a small garbage bin nearby. He then took one of the blue towels folded up in the small cabinet behind him and patted at his head and clothing .

Sam walked back to his work, towel snaked around his shoulders and just stood there for a moment-surveying the room.

He stood, over-looking the many pieces of information-pieces that he hoped would help him find what he was looking for-what he was afraid to question if whether or not it was something that could be found.

There was a loud thud, and he was sure of it this time. It was coming from outside of the library-inside of his bedroom.

It was dark when Sam reached the doorway.

"Hey!" He bulleted forwards, almost knocking himself down as he approached the limp body, half disposed on the bed.

The body was Castiel and he looked more than worn as Sam sat him up right. He swayed slightly from side to side.

"Come on." Sam urged. He removed the towel from around his neck and rolled it up, placing it next to Cas. He then took Cas' hand and placed it on the middle of his chest.  
Castiel protested weakly, muttering about how Sam wasn't properly adjusted but was interrupted by a cough that sent blood spittle dripping down his chin.

"Now!" Sam chastised as he knelt. He shook Cas hand in emphasis.

There was a moment of silence and then suddenly a bright light began to surface around Cas' palm. Gradually, he started to push his arm further, delving deeper into Sams chest.

Sam bellowed in agony. The pain was so potent that for a split second he could not form whole thoughts. He gasped in-between screams, when he could hardly breathe.  
Lurching forward, he bit down into the towel when the pain refused to ebb.  
When Cas brought his hand back Sam sagged with relief.  
Cas looked down at him with sympathetic eyes.  
He then hoisted Sam's torso upwards, lifting him onto the mattress with a renewed strength. Sam stalled in between being handled and grabbed the towel from underneath him, pressing it feebly to Cas mouth.  
Confused, Cas took it remembering the blood still smudged across his face and wiped it away.

Sam settled on the right side of the bed, folding his arms in as Cas finished wiping his face beside him.

"I ...should go now." Cas rose slowly, but before he could get up, Sam's arm reached out from behind his back and waveringly pulled at Cas' sleeve. He was too tired to turn around.

"You go off again...you'll just end up right back here." His voice was murky and low, like he'd just woken up after a deep sleep.  
He let go of the sleeve with a sigh, shifting slightly- arms planted underneath his pillow.

"What would you have me do?" Cas asked, but there was no answer. Sam had already fallen asleep.

Cas sat there for a while waiting for a reply that would not come.

He hesitantly looked over his shoulder. Sam had been all but drained by his touch.

It was a transference of pain. More like rejuvenation actually, if he wanted to think of it that way.  
Whenever Cas used his abilities now, it exhausted him-passed human, and closer to death. Likewise, if he didn't use them at all then they would dissipate, leaving him permanently human and as mortal as anyone else. It was a consequence of the trials.

Soul-touching seemed to be a quick fix for this particular drawback. However, it was always only temporary.  
Sam knew this, since it wasn't the first time he'd offered to help. It became routine after a while.

Often Cas felt distinctively guilty afterwards.

He told himself he had to keep his powers-for good. That he should only use them to aid others...he'd told himself all of these things before, although he wouldn't admit that just yet. He contemplated as he watched Sam sleep; his silhouette rose and fell in small increments.

"I'm meant to protect you. Did you know that?" Cas sat up against the headboard. He knew Sam would not hear him. "It was a promise."  
He nodded sideways in the dimness and noticed Sam's shortened length of hair. It made him feel something- he wasn't sure what it was exactly but it struck him with a deep seated sort of pang.  
Cas sidled his way out of the bed, briskly walking toward the door before he stopped-hand placed over the panel.

"I miss him, too." 

Underneath the pillow, Sam's hands grappled at the sheets below.


	2. Too Much Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -"...what's wrong with me?"

     It wasn't really a dream. They were more like sensations. Somewhere in a dark abyss-they drew him in. A chilling cold, a throbbing fear. An adrenaline surged through him from places unknown. It seemed familiar, like he was remembering something, but there was no visage to match the feelings he was experiencing in this obscured stupor.

Soon Sam began to stir.

He struggled to sit up, his limbs ached as they were yielded into a fixed position.  
He let out an exasperated huff just before his attention was caught by a strange smell. The scent was strong and wafted throughout the entire bunker.  
Immediately Sam withdrew from the bed, wincing slightly as he made his way through the open door.

He followed the smell all the way to the kitchen where he found the source.

A smoking pan sat on top of the stove, filling the room with grey haze.

Brows raised Sam hurried over to the stove and switched it off, quickly placing the pan on an idle burner instead.  
The burnt smell still lingered afterwards, and the culprit-pancakes.  
Sam let out another huff, one of relief. At least there was no fire.

Still, he stared blankly down at the charred flapjacks, curious as to how this all happened.

"Sam."

The voice made him startle. He sputtered forward, accidentally knocking a few dishes over before he could compose himself enough to turn towards the speaker.

"Cas."

Cas stood directly behind him, eyes squinted and head quirked. He stood as he normally did; his hands were hung low by his sides, however they could not be seen-covered by the sleeves of a long dark-blue plaid shirt.

"Uh-" Sam looked Cas over, wide-eyed. He wasn't sure where to begin.

Cas mirrored his looks onto himself in affirmation.  
"I borrowed some of your clothing overnight. It was much too torrid for the clothes I usually wear."

This took a moment for Sam to consider, mostly because what Cas was saying didn't make any sense. The bunker was freezing lately. They were already well into the late fall season.

"Cas, it's freezing in here, man." Sam said partially concerned.

Cas looked at him, puzzled.

Sam stepped forward, arm outstretched and placed his palm flat against Cas' forehead.

" You have a fever."

"... I assumed it was normal. I'm refraining from using my grace, temporarily. Like you said- I...didn't want to exert too much too soon."

Sam folded his arms, turning his head back towards the blackened pan.

" Were you trying to cook?"

Cas followed his eyes, then looked down with an abruptness.

"An apology."

Sam seemed thrown by the statement. His furrowed brows softened and his lips were drawn.

Looking at the burnt food, he raised an eyebrow, turning back to Cas.  
"It is pretty sorry-looking."

" I wasn't sure when to flip them..." Cas said gravelly.  
Sam grinned shortly.

" That's okay, I can scrape something together. People are coming over anyway. They'll probably want to eat something."

"Guests?"

Sam paused, searching through one of the cabinets for another pan.

"Kevin and Garth."

* * *

 

"How've you been, man!" Garth beamed, trapping Sam in a tight embrace that he so often did whenever they hadn't communicated in a while. Even as he began to let go, his grip still lingered against Sam's arm before giving it a good few slaps. Sam accepted the affection in stride, flashing a brief smile before he turned to Kevin.

Kevin wasn't as cosy. The most he gave Sam was a acknowledging glance before carrying himself and his books over to one of the tables.

* * *

 

The three of them sat at a long wooden table, picking up papers and comparing their findings in silence. They'd already eaten Sam's makeshift breakfast and were now digesting the documents before them. Sam was the first to speak up.

"I wanted to thank you guys for helping me out." He peeked up over the paper at hand.

"No problemo." Garth grinned.

" You know it's not the first time we've worked together. I'm sure you'd do the same for us." He looked cheerily over to Kevin as he gestured between the two of them. His hand dropped awkwardly when he noticed Kevins lackluster expression.  
Garth coughed tensely, wanting to change the subject.

" Anyway, we know one thing-"  
He pulled one of the papers out from under a stack of old books.

"He's lost, ...somewhere."

Sam took the paper. It was littered with Kevin's handwriting- parts of the testament that he found relating to Dean's whereabouts. They didn't reveal much.  
Sam sighed, running a hand through his newly shortened hair. The action drew mixed expressions from Garth and Kevin.

"So, he's alive. Wherever he is-he's still alive,right? I mean-he has to be...shouldn't he be?" Sam sounded a little panicky as he spoke, his hands lowered to grip the sides of his chair.

The two exchanged cautious looks-Sam's countenance grew more and more anxious while he waited for them to reply.

Garth started hesitantly, raising a steady hand.  
His voice was low.  
"Sam-we don't know."

Sam threw himself from the chair suddenly, slamming his fists on the table in a rage. He stood, forcefully sliding the chair out of his way with a loud screech.  
Shakily, he paced-back and forth before he swatted at the table, sending mounds of papers flying across the room.  
Garth swallowed, looking to the side-even Kevin looked somewhat taken aback by his mad behavior.

The short silence that followed was interrupted by his rapid breathing.  
Kevin and Garth began to raise from their seats in concern.

Sam was bent over, hand clasped over the chair he'd pushed away-it anchored him, but it still wasn't enough for him to settle.

He couldn't really focus, too panicked for his own good. He hardly registered the moment when two fingers pressed against his temple turning everything into black.

He'd been taken away from the library and transferred onto the floor of his own bedroom.

He tried to pull away from the contact once he landed but before he could turn his head around, two hands firmly plastered themselves on both sides of his face and pulled him inward.

"Listen to me."

So he did, although at first it wasn't so simple. His breaths were sporadic and they choked him constantly,-one after another. The pressure alone caused his eyes to water and his throat to swell.

Cas pressed Sam's ear against his chest and purposefully breathed in and out in an attempt to coach him back into stability.

Eventually his breathing evened out.  
Cas noticed, moving back a bit to give him some room. Sam's head hung low between them.

"Your fever broke." He said lowly.

Cas stood, gazing down at him from an angle.

"I used my powers. It was, inevitable."

Sam looked up at him for a moment until his head felt too heavy to lift. His voice was choked.

"Cas...what's wrong with me?"

* * *

 

It wasn't until later that night, after Sam had apologized to both Kevin and Garth and seen them leave reluctantly, in acceptance-that he had the time to think.

He sat propped up on the bed with a paper at hand under a lamplight.

There were only a few words transcribed on the paper Kevin wrote and none of them had been linked or expanded any further than what they were. _'Passing, after, remains.'_ Things of that nature. They made him think of nothing-they made him think of death.

He hadn't seen Dean die. He hoped that would be enough to prove that he was still alive somewhere.  
It daunted him that he had no way of knowing.  
Even worse now was how it had been effecting those around him-how he was effecting them.

He put the paper aside when he heard his cellphone ring out next to him, on the nightstand.

The caller ID read, ' **Amelia**.'

Sam froze, heart pounding as he watched it buzz, on and on.

In the end he chose not to answer the call. Instead he got up and walked into the living room where Cas sat amusedly, watching some strange show on the tv Sam had picked up not so long ago.

Sam cleared his throat, making his presence all the more known. Cas turned around curiously.

"Do you want to get a drink?"

Cas blinked slowly, processing the request. He then stood from where he'd been seated on the sofa and silently began to walk towards him.

Sam made a decided nod, picking up the bunker- key and tucked it safely into his pants pocket.


	3. The Low Down Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Would you trust me enough-?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished! I wanted to complete this story by the next episode, but that is very doubtful at this point. :(

The bar was dark and brooding. It lacked chemistry, although the low lighting did give it a subtle edge.

It was quiet-aside from a few conversations being held in the background and the bartenders were cheery, but looked very tired as they rotated between cleaning up and serving the last of their late-night patrons.

Sam was taking another swig of his beer when from his peripheral he could see Cas seated next to him.  
His eyes were glued to a small television that hung adjacent to the counter-some trashy reality show was playing. It caught his interest nonetheless; he hadn't touched his drink once.

Sam swallowed another ounce, clearing his throat to speak.

"You know, you didn't have to come if you didn't want to."

Cas peeled his eyes away from the screen and gently spun around.

"I wanted to." He said monotonously. He then demonstrated this claim by taking a long drink from his bottle.  
Sam huffed, brows arched.

One of the bartenders, a dark haired woman walked over to them.

"Can I get you boys anything else? We're locking up here pretty soon."

Cas didn't answer, leaving the social interacting to Sam-like something a child might do to a parent. Sam found that slightly amusing.

"How about a whiskey?" He suggested.

She nodded, wiping a glass on her apron. "Sounds good, is that all?"

"I would like one as well." Cas spoke with a slight slur to his speech.

The woman looked over at Cas with a wariness. His drink was half-full.

"You barely touched your beer, honey."

Cas, not understanding the implication, tilted his head to the side somewhat exaggeratedly and squinted up at her.

"Alright, no problem. Two whiskeys." She smirked about to leave before she tapped Sam briefly on his shoulder.

"Make sure he gets home okay-your buddy's a real light weight."

Sam nodded as she left then turned back to Cas who was giving him the same expression he'd given the bartender just before.

Time passed and Sam continued to drink the most, although he retained a mostly sober appearance.

" Are you feeling alright, Cas?"  
Sam gave him a curious look as he drank.

Cas stilled for a moment, then rested his arm on top of the counter.He flexed his palm-clenching and unclenching.

"I suppose it's all a part of the fatigue."  
He looked up to see if Sam could understand what he was trying to say. He acknowledged a confused look in return and decided-he did not.

"I'm no longer connected with heaven, as you know. When the trials closed both gates; heaven and hell, my powers began to fade...."  
He picked up his drink, pausing to say something before he sipped.

" Soul-touching is not a 'natural' remedy. It replenishes my strengths, but as I remain dormant, I can still feel the impact that using such a borrowed power gives."

"So, you're basically weakening every time you use your powers?"

Cas stared down at the marble counter, tracing the liquid ring left by his bottle.

"Not exactly. The extent to which I use my powers is what determines the strength of my 'human' self- _hiccup!_ "

Sam furrowed as he looked down into his glass.

"Exactly how much did you use this time around?"

"Enough." Cas sighed, fatigued.

Sam felt a sinking feeling in his gut.  
Mostly because he knew that the majority of Cas' powers were being used to help him find Dean.  
All of those trips to who knows where-just to find something, even the tiniest scrap of evidence that proved he was still out there, or gave a clue as to where he might be.

Still, he knew Cas wasn't just doing it for him. Dean was his friend too, and the two of them had always been closer than Sam and Cas had been. They'd had a predestined connection- a 'profound bond'.

"I'm sorry." Sam said. His voice was thick and had started to turn muzzy after so many drinks.

"Don't be."

* * *

"Oh, man. Y-you're such a sloppy drunk!" San shouted boisterously. It was a mixture between assertiveness and astonishment.

"It's not me! ....it's my vessel-my state is weakened. We were just discussing this, m-moments ago- _hi_!"

Cas stumbled when he bumped into Sam, he'd been walking a short distance in front of him when he turned around.

Sam looked down at him with a tipsy grin. Cas paused for a moment before he continued to walk-this time at a slightly faster pace.

"I don't know what it is you're smiling about. Judging by the way you speak, it would seem you are more inebriated than I am- _hic!_ " He came to an abrupt halt as he contradicted himself.

Sam chuckled goofily as he approached him. Cas however had more stern look about him.

The two stood on the grey sidewalk of a desolate road where cars were parked here and there, accompanied by a few street lamps that towered over them.

While they stood in silence, Sam began to wonder whether or not Cas was actually going to say something.

"Jimmy's long gone." Cas grumbled.

At first it took Sam by surprise that he had even spoken at all, but now he was simply confused and partially-concerned.

"All of this weakness, all of this loss of strength-it's on me."

"Cas..." Sam looked sympathetic as he stood forward, but Cas just nodded.

"He is in a better place now. It was the one promise I kept. Of course, any place is better than with me. I can't count the many times I've failed him....or just failed in general" He looked down with a sigh.

Sam didn't know what to say, so his instincts must have done that for him.  
He lunged forward, practically tackling Cas into an embrace. Brows furrowed, Sam spoke with a tone so urgent that Cas did not know how he should react.- his arms hung, mid air.

"Understand this. You are not a failure. You've sacrificed so much-as much as any of us have, and having you here...I wouldn't want to change that."

Sam pulled back with a triumphant feeling-like he'd said all of the right things. This quickly turned sour when he saw Cas' dubious expression.

"...Unless,-you wanted to leave." Sam started to feel sick, he suspected the drinks were getting the best of him.

" I'll admit, I have pondered such things."  
Sam broke his focus, becoming more detached.

" But my place is here now-and with you, if that is permissible."

At this Sam beamed, looking up.He clasped Cas roughly on his shoulder.

"Yeah, man. Always."

* * *

The rest of the night diffused into a sleepy mood.

Sam stopped in the middle of the hallway and watched as Cas prepared the sofa for bed-he placed pillows, one on top of the other and substituted a thin sheet for a blanket.  
His eyes traveled from here to where Dean's room was left, unused.  
_

Sam sighed as he emptied his pockets onto his bed.

He removed his keys and change, but stopped short when he took out his phone.

_1 voicemail._

His thoughts were slightly jaded while he contemplated whether or not he should listen to the message. He played it regardless.

 "...Sam. please, don't delete this." The voice was breathy and a little brittle sounding.

"-I...there's something I have to tell you...I had a baby."

Sam inhaled, trembling. He sunk low to the floor by the bed frame.

"I gave her to an adoptive family. I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know...." she took in a sharp breath. "I didn't know what else to do, Sam. ...You're the father."

Sam snapped the phone shut, flinging it across the room and folded his arms, burying his face behind them.

It felt like a nightmare. It was painfully unreal.

"-G-gah..." Sam choked, his breathing was starting to pick up. Forcibly, he was able to suppress them-swallowing them whole.

The restraint left him nauseous. He ran to the restroom, passed the sofa.

Sam heaved violently into the porcelain bowl.  
The sounds seemed to have gained Cas' attention, as he promptly stood by the door.

Anxious, and somewhat lightheaded, Cas wasn't sure what he should be doing in this type of situation. He looked frantically-right and left, thinking.  
He grabbed a cup that sat on top of the sink and dumped the toothbrushes it contained into the basin. He then filled the cup to the brim with cold water and crouched down by Sam's side, holding it in his left hand.

Sam having been oblivious to any other presence, jumped when he felt a hand on his back. Still he couldn't respond, interrupted by another bout of sick.

The hand began to smooth over his back, awkwardly at first.  
Sam would've laughed at how stiff an attempt of comfort it was, but his current state kept him from participating in such levities. He surged forward again.

When the vomiting finally let up, Sam weakly lifted his upper half from the seat.

"Drink this." Cas said, he handed Sam the cup.

Sam drank until it was completely emptied.

"It should help with any dehydration you might be experiencing later on."

"Thanks, Cas." Sam breathed. He set the cup down next to him on the tiles.  
He then closed the lid of the seat and rested his head down on the cover.

Cas reached out and placed his hand back where it was before.

Sam made no qualms, too exhausted to mind. It was only when Cas brought his hand up to Sam's neck- when it began to glow and surge, that Sam instantaneously snatched it away.

"Don't." He said gravely.

Cas gave him a reprimanded look.

"Look, we've both been drained enough for one night. Lets just get some sleep, okay?"  
He let go of Cas' hand gingerly then stood up and walked out into the hall, Cas followed suit.

Just as Cas was about to return to his flimsy bed, Sam stopped him-tugging at his sleeve briefly before.

He cleared he throat before he spoke.  
"You don't have to sleep on the couch." He said-insistently.

 

Cas stared at him for a moment, then walked over to the sofa where he picked up the sheet and pillow.

-

Sam positioned himself on the far right side of the bed and turned to face the wall. Hesitantly, Cas had done the same on the left.

From where he laid, Cas could see-in the dark, a sudden glow. Sam's phone vibrated on the floor, not far from his line of sight.  
Cas read the message sender, _Amelia_ and felt Sam tense up beside him.

"Sam." he said without turning around.  
Sam lifted his head.

"What is it?" He asked tentatively.

"If something was wrong- if there was something bothering you... Would you trust me enough to discuss it with me?"

Sam wrestled back into his previous position, taking a majority of the blanket over to his side and frowned.

"Get some sleep, Cas."


	4. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Then you must know how I feel."

Somewhere in some warm place where the fields were golden and the skies were bright blue, Sam was smiling-a single house in a place with no name. Just him, Amelia and a small bundle.

It was tawdry and fabricated, like something or someone else was making him see these things, but he didn't care-he couldn't. He was entranced, and for the first time, his dreams were actually pleasant.

Reality weighed in- the dream began to disintegrate,but he couldn't help feeling as if there was something meaningful missing from it.  
All at once there were too many things for him to sift through in order to identify that one thing and, as if the thought had never crossed his subconscious mind; it was lost.

Sam groaned stretched out on one side of the bed, the left side.

Alone, he made an effort to sit himself upright. He then grabbed at the thin sheet covering his bottom half and pulled it to the side.

Sam took a sharp breath, squeezing his eyes shut and covered his face with open palms. Nothing ached strangely enough, although he did feel a bit phased about the night before-he did manage to retain the important parts.

He looked down to the floor where his phone should have been and rose from the bed when it wasn't there. Clumsily, he searched for it-fumbling around the room with sleepy eyes and a heavy head.  
Eventually he lost interest in finding the phone altogether and stalked off to the bathroom instead.

Sam undid his zipper with one hand and turned the doorknob with the other.

"Sorry!" He stammered, back against the door.  
He blanched outright, quickly slamming it shut from where he came.

  
There was no reply.

Sam never expected to walk in on anyone in the bunker-especially while in the shower-especially Cas.

His mind refused to make sense of any of this, already working itself into an early grave. He chose to venture into the kitchen, where there'd be no more surprises. He was mistaken.

"Mah-man-Sam!" Sam flinched at the unexpected outburst.

Garth sat at the dining room table, grinning enthusiastically with a hand on one knee.  
He'd already set up his work across the table top and positioned his laptop towards Sam. From the computer screen popped up Kevin who appeared to be back at the house boat, looking over research.

"We got good news!"

"Garth..." Sam said, bewildered.

"Just pull up a chair, compadre. It's a big'un." he tipped his cap forward to an empty seat.

Garth cleared his throat, his eyes lowered on Sam as he sat himself down.

"Might-wanna take care of that before we start, though."

Sam looked confused before he realized that Garth was referring to his fly being wide open. Flustered, he fastened it immediately.

"Well-" Garth grinned, turning his attention back over to the laptop.

"As you know, we've been all over the place, looking into every nook and cranny about where Dean might be..."  
He clicked on a different tab.

"Now this is the place we last saw him."

A huge cavern flickered on to the screen.

Sam swallowed, apprehensively-his mind drifted as Garth went on.

-

Give and take, that's how the trials were and Sam was always the giver.

It wasn't supposed to be this way

There was a bright light, brighter than anything he'd ever seen and an echo so loud and pulsating that he could inhale it.

That's when Dean disappeared.

The last trial; the time, the place, everything about it was so obscure-even Kevin couldn't fully explain it. It was a vapid collection of words that did nothing more than quell Sam's hopes.

-

"-So, although we can't exactly interpret these specific details from the past present and future... There may be someone who can." Garth continued as Sam tuned back into the conversation.

Garth motioned his arms over the table, sorting through a bunch of papers until he found a small card.

"He's a seer." He handed it over to Sam.

The card was plain white with a gold trimmed frame shaped like foliage.  
There was an address and a name, but no number.

"Josué?" Sam read aloud. He sounded slightly skeptical.

"It's French." Garth responded, eagerly.

Sam scoffed lightly before he put the card in his pocket.

"I'll check it out, definitely." Sam nodded firmly.

There was a moment of silence between them before Garth started up again.

"...Oh yeah, congratulations!"

Kevin looked up from his desk and between the two of them. He and Sam both spoke at the same time.

"For what?"

"...Well, you're a father."

Sams face was drawn in a heartbeat.

"How did you know that?" He asked hoarsely.

"Cas told me."

Just as Garth revealed his teller, Cas appeared from around the corner, toweling his head.

All eyes were on him.

Sam looked at him expectant;y, to which Cas crooked his head to one side.

"Sam." He said plainly.  
Sam became perturbed by Cas obliviousness, arching his brows exasperatedly.

"Oh..." Cas began.

"The shower." Sam deadpanned, nearly knocking his chair over as he rose to stop Cas from talking.

"I hadn't intended for you to see-"

"No-! No, Cas-that's not what..."  
Sam sighed, looking down to Cas right hand which held his cell phone. He took it from him promptly.

"Why do you have this?" He spoke lowly-keeping the talking between himself and Cas.  
Cas gave him a defiant look.

"It was necessary."

"Necess-" Sam ran a hand through his hair.  
Part of him wanted to be chaste with Cas but he knew- it was childish to keep things from him, but becoming a father at this point in his life...Sam was afraid.

Castiel softened as he watched s stand there, conflicted.

"The woman, Amelia, she left an address. I believe it is the home of the adoptive parents.."  
Sam's eyes widened.

He flipped through his phone and read the text message left by Amelia. An address- a house in Austin,Texas and three names: James Ohara, Meryl Ohara, Clara.

Sam stilled for a moment before he tucked the phone away.

Without words, he started to collect his things; a jacket and keys were propped underneath his arm. Without words, he climbed up the stairs-Garth watching him, shrugged at Kevin when asked what was going on.  
Without words, Cas followed.

* * *

 

"Sam,...Winchester?" The woman asked. Meryl was a blonde with subtle aged features that betrayed her overall youthful face. Her eyes were a pale green and defined by deep sleepy lines. Her voice was loud but strained as she spoke.

"I'm sorry, Amelia never told us about you."

Sam figured as much. The entire time spent driving over threw his mind into a billion different scenarios.

"We've...not seen been together for some time. I wasn't even aware-" he looked up at the woman as if he was holding back a plea. She returned the gesture with sympathetic eyes.

"I had no idea." He admitted, the last words huffed out from him, he was beginning to feel his throat swell.

"Well, Sam. My husband isn't home right now, but you can come in if you'd like-...see the baby?" She hesitated slightly with the last statement.

Sam nodded and breathed out, shakily. He flexed his fingers at his sides.

"Does your friend want to come in too, it's awful cold out here." She glanced over at the impala where Cas sat, completely rigid.  
Sam looked over to him and as he did Cas looked right back at him,leaving the car when he was waved over.

"This is Cas." Sam said when he was close enough to introduce.

Meryl nodded in acknowledgment.

"Is that short for something?"

"Castiel." Cas confirmed, bowing his head slightly forward as he answered.

"You don't hear a name like that often. What's your last name?"

Sam swallowed, quickly replying before Cas could answer her.  
"Winchester, it's Winchester. We're family."  
Cas looked up at him.

"...Alright well, let's all head inside." She shook a little, emphasizing the cold as she rubbed her arms up and down.

The two followed her inside.

* * *

  
The house was relatively large with no upstairs and multiple bed and bathrooms. It's color scheme consisted of shades of brown and reds and yellows. It was warm.

The three of them conversed in turns from the living room- into the kitchen

"You're house is beautiful."

"Thank you. We do pretty well for ourselves. I teach over at the elementary school, James is an engineer. We figured it was about time. I- well, I just wasn't able to have one of my own."

She turned to them, smiling slightly with a mug at hand.

"Would either of you like something to drink?"

"Uh,-if it's alright, I'd like to see her-first."

Meryl breathed out abruptly, looking down at the floor.

"I understand." She said as she put the mug down on the marble counter top.

"This way." She gestured down one of the halls.

-

The room was small and painted a light purple color. White drapes with knitted flowers hung, translucent over the light-filled windows.

Sam stopped cold when he saw a crib in the corner.

Meryl noticed him freeze before the crib, and began to pull back.

"I'll leave you two alone for a while, I have to make a call." She whispered, and walked back out into the hallway.

Cas looked back up at Sam and touched his arm, shaking him from his trance. Sam took a quick breath before walking up to the crib.

His composure cracked when he saw her.

Sam smiled, uncontrollably-another breath escaped him, this time more disbelieving.  
Cas stood adjacent to them, leaving some space in between.

When Sam lifted the infant from her crib, it felt heavy in many ways-heavy in his mind, in his heart.  
He balanced her in his arms not wanting to wake her but couldn't help squeezing her, he clung to her.

"She's beautiful, Sam" Cas said warmly.

Sam's smile grew at his words. He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

"Clara." He said to himself. It seemed quiet enough. Still, her eyes began to open shortly after revealing two brightly green irises.

Sam looked guilty that he'd wakened her, but was humbled when a tiny hand latched itself onto his jacket.

She murmured curiously, lips pursing and then flattening again, her eyes ever focused on Sam.

It continued on like that for a few minutes-Cas was closer now, and they'd both been looking down at her with soft eyes and speculative minds.

Eventually Sam had lulled the baby back to sleep, cradling her slightly from side to side.

"You wanna hold her?" He asked.

Cas was taken aback by the suggestion, but nodded regardless. Sam handed her over to him gently.

It was odd to see Cas holding a child. It implied so many humanistic things about him that couldn't be any farther from what he really was, but it was like him-in a way.

"Seems like you're a natural at that." Sam teased. It was true-even as she slept, once Clara was placed in Cas' arms she was that much more at ease.

"Must be an angel thing."

Cas grinned amusedly, his eyes distant.

  
"On the contrary. Humans have a greater perceptiveness when it comes to physical bonding...it must be a side-effect of my weakened state."

"That's good." Sam urged, to which Cas gave a look of skeptism.

"I mean, to be able to interact like this. To feel things..."

"I suppose, but I can hardly be of much use to you while I am in this condition."

Sam grimaced offendedly. "What do you think I am, Cas? You're my friend...you're not just some tool."

"That is true, but you still need to find Dean and I can't help you with that if I am powerless." Cas voice strained, he frustratedly looked anywhere but Sam.

"...When Dean disappeared, that was my fault. I was the one taking on the trials-it was on me. Not him."  
Castiel placed the baby slowly back into her crib, standing inches away from Sam.

"No matter how hard I try to do something good, it always ends up blowing up in my face-and I'm weak and I'm pathetic, but I can't do a damn thing about it or else I'll just end up taking someone else down with me."

"Then you must know how I feel." Cas said lowly.  
Sam looked at him helplessly, not knowing what to say. It was then that Meryl returned back from her phone call. She entered briskly, unaware of their heated conversation.

"I'd hate to interrupt, but my husband's home. He'd like to meet you both." She released her firm hold on the frame as she quickly retreated back from where she'd came.

-  
"I don't like this!"

"James.." Meryl pleaded.

"How could just let two random strangers into our home?!" He shouted, throwing a fist straight through the the living room wall.

"He didn't know-I couldn't just turn the man away, it's his child for God's sake!"

There was a smacking sound as Cas and Sam  entered the hallway that caught their attention.

"You tell them to get the hell out of our house, or I'll do it myself."

Meryl fled to the hallway,but was stopped when Sam grabbed a ahold of her. She was crying and cupping her left cheek.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked, looking her over with wide eyes. Cas moved forward, to survey the area, but her husband was no longer there.

"He's never been like this-never! It started after the adoption. I don't know what's got into him. It's like he's a whole other person."

Sam swallowed anxiously as he exchanged a knowing look with Cas.

  
"Listen to me." He steadied her a bit.

"I need you to watch over the baby, and whatever you do, don't leave that room."

"What, why?" Meryl nodded confusedly.

"Please, just do this for me." Sam gripped her shoulders with emphasis.

"...Alright, I won't leave her." She proceeded into the baby's room.

"What do you think it is?" Cas asked once the door was completely shut.

"Could be a shifter, maybe even a demon. " Sam reached inside of his jacket and pulled out the demon knife kept there.

"I'll have to find out."

"Lets go-" Cas started to walk but Sam stopped him with his hand.

"Stay with her. I can handle this on my own, but I need you to stay with her. Please. Cas-this is my daughter."

Cas took the hand holding him at bay with his own, and set it back down by Sam's side. He then gave a solitary nod to which Sam then took as approval.

* * *

  
Outside it was freezing cold and the air bit at Sam's face as he tread around the house-he assumed James had done the same from the footprints he'd found left in the snow.

It wasn't long then before Sam was under attack. James pounced on him from behind.

"Winchester, well isn't this a treat?"  
The mans eyes flickered black.

Sam fought back until he was able to throw the demon off of him.

"What the hell do want with these people?!" Sam barked at him.

The demon smirked, standing up.  
"Hell is precisely why I'm here. You closed it Sam, now where does that leave me?" He walked calculatedly in a circle around Sam, breathing out white smoke as he did.  
"When I caught wind that Sam Winchester had a child. A newborn no less-well, how could I pass by such an opportunity?"

Sam lunged at him with the blade, although disturbingly the creature hadn't made any attempt to avoid it.  
He stuck him in his side-the blade glowed but nothing more than that.

"Oh, I'm much more advanced than that, Sam."

Without much effort Sam was pelted into a nearby tree.

"We may be few in number now, but we still have the upper hand in this filth-ridden place."

He picked up the demon blade and turned it over in his hands. Looking up at Sam, the demon grinned once again, his tone became patronizing.

"Don't worry, I know you did your best. I'll be sure to tell that to Clara-when she's old enough."

Sam bolted at him but was caught by an invisible force that pulled him to the ground, and then the puncturing began.

-  
Sam lost his train of thought after the deepest cut into his abdomen.  
His screams became faint gasps.

"It's too bad you know. If the gates hadn't closed we could've spent our time playing this game of cat and mouse forever,but I guess it's true-all things must come to an end."

The demon raised the knife in the air before plunging down.

Sam could barely see in his current condition, he could only hear. There was a buzz and a thud and a bright light and then a sudden gasp of air.

"W-where am I?!" A voice, James'.

"You're safe now." Cas-he placed two fingers to the mans skull, putting him to sleep.

Sam felt a hand at his brow, then at his cuts. He flinched.

There was a warm feeling through him and a tightening that felt like his wounds were being pulled together.

Cas gasped violently, falling forward while on his knees. Sam caught Cas just before his face planted into the ground. His eyes still glowed behind his lids for a moment as he groaned.

"Cas-Cas!" Sam shook him a couple times.

"I'm fine. "He reassured. Cas sat up, feebly. He stared out facing Sam but did not look directly at him.

"Although-" He began.

"I may have temporarily lost my sight."

Sam gawked. "You can't see?"

"I've overused my abilities-that was no ordinary demon, and in an attempt to keep the vessel alive, I had to exert a higher level of exorcism. Aside from that, I healed the both of you-your wounds were especially heinous."

Sam's face tensed, but Cas persisted.

"Regardless,I would have done it either way."

* * *

 

"I'm sorry-Sam, but this is too much for us. Demons? I don't understand what we did to deserve this. I-...our whole lives, we've worked up to this, it was never easy on us."

James seemed like a good enough man. He was tall albeit thin and baby faced which made him seem more timid than his posture lead on. He spoke regretfully, but was stern.

  
Meryl was nowhere to be seen, still caring for the baby back in the house.

"It was never an open-ended adoption." His sternness broke into a sympathetic gaze and he couldn't look Sam in his face.

Sam's brows furrowed slightly, his express was hurt. A moment passed and it felt like the snow had gotten even colder.

"I-...I'm sorry, Sam but this is my family, I can't-"

"No." Sam interrupted, looking down at his feet.

"No, of course. I get it. I wouldn't want this for my family either...but I need you to understand a few things-"  
Sam explained to James everything he could, about demons and monsters and how to kill them. He'd even handed his knife over to him. Reluctantly, James took it.

"If anything happens, and you can't handle it-" he took a scrap of paper from his jacket and a small pen and wrote down his number.  
James nodded, taking it in his hand.

"Make sure she's taken care of." Sam said, voice haggard. He didn't wait for James to respond as he walked over to the car, his eyes began to blur.

When Sam opened the impala door Cas turned slightly from where'd he'd been positioned, looking out the window with his elbow propped up against the sill.

"Sam?" He asked, not able to see him-he could hear sniffs and the door shut and then it was just heavy breathing and fabric.  
There was a stretching sound as Sam reached over from his seat and pulled Cas into his arms. He cried out suddenly, muffling into the other's shoulder.

Cas, completely caught off guard, reciprocated the embrace gradually as it was given to him.

Sam didn't explain what had happened, he didn't really need to.

Cas held him firmly, gasping quietly to himself when he felt something slide down both of his cheeks.

He looked straight ahead- with one hand, he touched his face. 

He too was crying.


	5. Walking with a Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "-Would that be alright?"

Dreariness and bleakness took over. It was smoky and dark and silent, but not entirely. Somewhere in the peripheral of his mind there were noises-reverberations, too vague to determine. He saw nothing but felt them all around him; an innumerable amount of flows-

"Sam..."

"Sam." The voice called out more assertively. It yanked him forward in the wooden chair which he sat, and scraped it against the floor.

"Oh, good. You're with us once more. That was just to prepare your mind for the actual journey. Minor hypnosis." The man who sat in front of Sam; who sat in the violet cushioned armchair, with spectacles hung low, wrote diligently-everything he'd observed, onto his notepad.

He was dark skinned and clean-cut with a low voice.

"Josué-uh..."Sam said uncertainly.

"Josué is fine, it is printed clearly on the card-is it not?"

Sam nodded in agreement.

"So, how exactly does this work? Is it a dream walk or am I going to have to pass on to the 'other side' for a few minutes?"

Josué chuckled softly.

"It is nothing of the sort, I assure you. No, 'seeing' is quite a different experience entirely. How do I explain..." He leaned forward in the dim light, his chin supported atop his clasped hands as he pondered.

"A seer has the capabilities to see beyond the memory. Past and present are nothing but simple guidelines for the future and even all of these things alone cannot fully determine where meaning is derived from. Where I will take you, and what I will show you are not only chronological occurrences-in fact they may not even be in their proper order, because the order is not wherein lies the meaning. It is the everlasting truth we seek. What truths lie unknown to you, Sam?"

"I.." Sam began.

"Do you wish to know?"

Sam nodded, determined.

"Then let's begin." He started to stretch out his arms, but paused for a moment-his hands hovered over Sam's.

"You've chosen to do this alone,... are you so sure-...is there anyone else who should be here as well?"

Sam looked at him in surprise and wondered for an instance, how he knew-

"I'm sure."

* * *

   Sam tucked Josué's card into his pants pocket as he finished soaking a small towel in the tap of the kitchen sink.

When it was thoroughly drenched, he carried it over to the couch and extended an arm out-cloth at hand.

"For the fever." 

Cas looked over at him, still blinded. He reached out with one arm, aimlessly.

Sam frowned. He took the misguided hand, bringing it to the towel and held it with Cas' palm in-between both of his.

Cas took the towel and placed it lightly on his forehead, lying back with a groan.

"We're going to have to do it soon enough."

"Not just yet." Cas replied, his voice suppressed by the towel.

Sam huffed at Cas' obstinacy. It had been hours since they'd left Texas and each one had dealt a blow to Cas' current state. He needed to recharge.

"How is he?" Garth called, walking into the room-Kevin followed shortly behind him.

"Fine-"  
"Not good." Sam spoke over him.

"It is not of import." Cas sighed, his eyes glazed.

Garth looked at the two, concerned. He exchanged cautious looks with Kevin who slinked his way forward into the living room and sat in one of the single chairs.

"We're gunna look after Cas while you...meet the seer-guy." Kevin said as he looked around for the remote control.

Cas looked up at him, disgruntled.

"That isn't required." He said flatly.

"Dude. You can't even walk two steps without bumping into something. How do you expect to get around?"

Cas didn't answer him.

Sam looked sympathetic. He knew now more than ever how useless Cas felt without his powers-whether or not that was truly the case, and so it irked him that he refused to reestablish them.

Sam stood in front of where Cas lied and pulled his arm forward, only to have him snatch it back.

"You've been through enough by now, just wait. I'll be fine here on my own." Cas' voice cracked. He closed his eyes slowly and turned away, facing towards the cushions.

Before Sam could argue, Garth spoke up.

"Hey, Sam, you wanna talk for a sec?"

Sam pursed his lips but chose to follow him into the kitchen. They both stood by the counter-Garth pulled a drink from out of the refrigerator for himself but paused to offer Sam one to which he politely refused.

"I know, he's not fine, but he should be able to last-at least until you get back. We can call you if there's any trouble."

Sam sighed, tugging a hand through his hair, he pulled at the edges.

"You know why he's doing this, right?"

Sam looked at him briefly, but focused primarily on the floor.

"He thinks he's protecting me." Sam said nodding his head slightly, from side to side.

"He thinks he's being useful." Garth corrected. His attentions turned to the sad lump on the sofa.

"And if he really had it his way-he'd probably go with you..."

Garth gave Sam a calculating stare which Sam could not place-his brows furrowed in response.

"What?" He asked.

"Are you two-"

Sam tilted his head to the side preemptively and folded his arms.

"-an item?"

"Garth-"

"I'm all for it-I mean frankly, it's adorable." he raised his arms up, defenselessly.  
"The height difference alone-"

"Please. Garth. Stop." Sam started back towards the living room.

"We're here for you!" Garth shouted after him.

"I'm sure." Sam said, dryly.

Sam was about to leave before he stopped, looking down from behind the couch at Cas as he breathed heavily into the pillows.

"Look after him, okay?" He told Kevin. Kevin nodded respectively.

He then went to meet with the seer.

* * *

   "I'm sure."

The moment Josue touched Sam's hands, everything had become withdrawn. There was sound like a great 'voom' and a pressure that felt like he was being pulled back into something.

There was a whisper and then crickets chirping in the distance.

"Sammy."

  
Sam was thrown by the voice, it made him fall backwards onto the ground. He stood frantically to face it.

"Dean!" He called, but his voice was muted.

The figure that stood in front of him was Dean, but he showed no interest in Sam. Instead he was taken with something else going on in front of him.

It was Sam- a younger Sam. They were in the middle of a field and the older Dean looked just as surprised as he was, as the child-version of himself offered to light up a few fireworks with his brother.

"I remember this..." Sam spoke to himself, even though nothing really came out.

He did remember, but the age gap between his brother and him in this particular moment made it unlikely that it was a memory he was seeing.

It clicked then. Heaven. He was seeing Dean's heaven. Not quite so encouraging.

When the realization hit, he was thrown back into another fit and lost his grasp on this current reality.

-

Sam felt like he was opening his eyes. He also felt heavy and couldn't move which startled him-a noise was made by his side.

"Dean-" Sam spoke. He could hear his voice this time, but it still didn't seem to reach out to anyone.

Looking around, Sam found himself grounded on a small mattress.

"-Sammy.."

Sam looked at his brother in awe. Wherever they were, it was dark and Dean looked down at him with a kind of sadness in his eyes. The tone of his voice alone made Sam want to cringe, it was so fragile.

"-I just wanted you to be a kid, just for little while longer..."

Sam's eyes widened in disbelief. It couldn't be... He'd never heard this conversation before, but it unraveled in his mind, in this particular moment; he'd died for the first time.

All he could do was listen.

"...-I had one job-...and I screwed it up."

Sam tried to turn away at that point, he couldn't take it. He wanted so badly to defend Dean-to tell him what he was saying wasn't true or at least how he felt the same ways about himself.

"I guess that's what I do-"

Sam grimaced. He attempted to catapult himself forward, to run away in an upset rage-that when it peaked, sent him away once more into another dimension.

-

He couldn't really see anything here. His mind was too fuzzy as if he'd been drinking. There was an orange hue that was warm like fire and two voices echoed in the blurriness.

"-Y-ou-are no-tt-ak-i..." The voices skipped like a damaged video file, it was both strange and intriguing to watch.

"-Sam Winchester. I won't let you."  
Sam leaned forward as the scene became clearer.

"Cas." Sam said, his voice muted once again.

Cas was trapped in a ring of fire, glaring at the individual in front of him who was shadowed, so Sam could not see.

His heart leaped when Cas eyes turned to look at him. It didn't feel natural, like it wasn't supposed to be happening. He felt scrutinized as Cas gaze stayed on him for a long time, but less nervous as his previous glare morphed into a softened familiarity. Sam took a step forward, and it was gone.

-

Suddenly, Sam was overwhelmed with cascades of visions that flickered one after the other.

Dean showed up again and again. There were scenes of them arguing, of them making up, the amulet, marks in the impala, hunting, until it was just dark space and Dean was standing before him in the low light, smiling at him.

Sam tried to walked towards him, but as he did a bright light engulfed them-so strong he could inhale it.  
Dean was gone.

"Gah!" Sam breathed. It echoed on and on.

Everything was bright, he couldn't see anything around him-not even his own body, but he could feel.

There was a presence on him, like a gentle weight. It wasn't painful, or threatening. It wrapped around him, covering all but his face and looped around his shoulders.

Not sure what he should do, he attempted to move, but found that he could only move his arms.  
He sidled them down the matter that held him and hesitated when it squeezed slightly tighter in response.  
He continued with caution.

In his mind he couldn't help but feel a sort of déjà vu, like these sensations were not entirely foreign.

He motioned his hands upward, momentarily stopped cold when he felt whisps of something just above where they were placed.

Sam held onto his breath as he reached for whatever it was and grasped at it with agile hands.

His eyes widened when he felt the material. It was sturdy like bone but soft like plumage.

At his neck and near his ear there was a sudden tug of air, and somehow-he was conscious again.

-

"Welcome back, Sam." Josué greeted him with a contented expression.

Sam opened his eyes gradually as if he'd been sleeping the entire time.

"I trust any answers you sought were revealed to you?"

Sam looked to the side. He wasn't sure if they were or not.

"You wish him to be alive, your brother?"

Sam nodded.

Josué sighed, eyes drawn to the table.

"Many who see me seek the truth about many things. Death, is a perpetual anomaly. Whether or not your brother is dead cannot be shown to you-you can only accept it."

 

Sam tensed.

"I don't even know if he's really dead-how am I supposed to just accept that?"

"The problem you have may not be in acknowledging the death itself, but how to move on when there is nothing else that can be done. Sam-whatever took your brother was finite, and infinitely powerful. It is at no fault of your own. You are just a man."

The thought frustrated him to no avail.

"I won't accept that."

* * *

   Sam had just finished making his way downstairs, taking off his coat and placing it on the first chair that he saw.

He'd become very weary from the trip, having gotten no closer to any knowledge of his brother's condition than before-his previous fury however had died down to a numbed aggravation.

"Sam!" Kevin's voice called from another room-it was urgent.

Sam hurried over to Dean's bedroom where they'd moved Castiel to rest, most likely without his consent.

Sam immediately knelt down by the right of the bed. Garth and Kevin stood watching over them from both sides.

"What happened?" Sam blurted out, searching Cas face as he diagnosed him.

Cas was pallid and wane . His breathing which had been slow and heavy was now barely audible.

Sam grabbed Cas' hand and put it flat over his chest-nothing happened. He closed his eyes and breathed.

"Cas." He called out to him. Cas shifted very slightly, his eyes opened only partially. Sam's breath hitched when he noticed how pale they were.

The hand he'd held slipped from out of his grasp-he retook it as quickly as it fell and placed it directly against his flesh this time.

This seemed to have triggered a response as the hand soon began to stretch out, experimentally and light formed around it.

Garth and Kevin looked on in silent horror as Sam contracted in spasms. He grappled at Cas' arm, not having anything else to hold on to-his eyes watered as the pain intensified.

While Sam's state worsened, Cas grew stronger. He sat himself upright, eyes fully opened and in alarm.

Cognizant now, Cas looked around for something within an arms reach. When he couldn't find what he needed, he panicked. His eyes focused on Sam who was biting at the inside of his cheek.

Cas pulled Sam forward, pushing his head down and latched him onto his left shoulder.

Sam, too overcome with pain, could only acknowledge what was happening as he felt it. A deep guilt seared through him when he tasted blood that was not his own.

When it was all over, they traded places. Sam fell to the bed and Cas stood over him with a worried look.

"Is he going to be okay?" Kevin asked, perplexed.

"Yes." Cas replied, face sullen.

"Let's let him sleep." Garth hesitantly suggested. The other two followed him out of the room shortly.

-

Sam woke hours later- aching and with a tinge of copper in his mouth. He winced at the bitterness of it.

While he sat, perched at the edge of the bed, he thought about how long it'd been since he'd been in this room.

All of the trinquets and weaponry; they were all so Dean, and that made him feel sore in the chest.

_Sam_

Hearing his name, Sam wipped around in a flurry-but no one was there.

Gradually, Sam got out of the bed. He took his time fixing it up properly until it was just as pristine as it'd been before.

Somehow, he knew it would never be.

-

Cas winced as he maneuvered his shoulder blades in order to pick up a metal basin from the bathroom sink. He filled it with warm soapy water and threw a rag into it when it was completely full.

With a sigh, he gathered the heavy bowl into his arms and waddled down the hallway.

He decided Sam's room was very inconveniently positioned from all of the bathrooms in the bunker.

Cas flinched, tipping the wrong way and grimaced as water sloshed onto the floor.

It was already still difficult for him to see, and with the bowl in the way; it made it that much harder.  
A few more uncertain steps and he was sliding forward. The metal bowl clashed to the ground, still partly full as it spun around and around.

"Hey!" Sam shouted. He managed to stop Cas just before he could fall.

"What are you doing out here?" Sam asked.

"Where's Kevin and Garth?"

"...They left, not too long ago. I was-" Cas groaned slightly, nodding to his left.

Sam let go of Cas, eyes on his shoulder blade. It was stained red and raw with punctures. Sam withdrew, uncomfortably.

"M'sorry, about that."

Cas nodded heavily.

"It is nothing I can't endure."

"Can you see?"

Cas tilted his head for a moment before he went to retrieve the bowl.

"Somewhat. More than before-that's for certain. I should be fully healed come tomorrow."

The conversation ended there until they'd both wound up in Sam's room.

Sam wasn't sure exactly why he followed him, but Cas made no effort to stop him.

He felt like a tall guardian-looming over Cas to make sure he made it to the bed alright, and without falling over or dropping anything.

They continued on in silence-interrupted only whenever Cas would hiss as he wiped the warm cloth over the angry markings in his skin.

Sam sat adjacent to him on a small chair.

"What did you learn from the seer?"

Sam looked up at him when he spoke-his eyes were focused on the bite.

He ran a hand through his hair.

"Unfortunately, nothing. I mean he basically told me that I should accept that I don't know anything. It was like he was warning me."

"So then, no word on Dean's condition?" Cas dunked the rag into the bowl before taking it out again.

"He said...whatever took him was infinite. Sounded like death to me." Sam folded his hands and stared down at the floor.

"Hm."'Cas hummed.

"But what do you believe?"

Sam contemplated before leaning back against the chair.

"It doesn't matter what I believe. I'm going to keep searching for him. Dean would've done the same for me, you know that."

At this Cas smiled.

"That is true...so would I."

Cas wiped his shoulder, but retracted his arm from its place when the pain was too much to withstand.

Guilt taking effect, Sam walked over and grabbed the cloth from Castiel's shaking hand. He then sat Cas at the edge of the bed.

"Being human-it's not all its cracked up to be, huh?"

Cas nodded a little with a bitter laugh while Sam began to dress the wound with supplies he'd pulled from out of his bedside table. Cas flinched only as the bandage was being pressed down over his shoulder.

"I don't think it ever was."

Sam gathered the wrappers and other garbage and threw them into a nearby bin. He didn't really react to Cas' words which Cas took notice of right away.

"But, I do suppose some things are worth the hurting."

Sam was unresponsive. He stood up, turned away from the bin and back towards Cas.

"You should stay-here, when I go. I'll call Garth and Kevin and they can come by and make sure things are alright and that your wound is taken care of. "

Cas looked confusedly up at him, until it dawned.

"You intend to go back to where it all started-to retrace our steps? Alone?!" Cas volume rose assertively.

"Cas, you're more liable to get yourself killed if you go. I don't know what might happen, and-when you're like this-" Sam's voice was relenting but it only made Cas expression all the more indignant.

"When I'm like what?" Cas spoke sternly.

Sam went quiet, but Castiel could still see him through blurred vision.

"If you think that I would remain idle at a time like this, then you are sadly mistaken. As 'weakened' as I may be-if there were any time I'd be willing enough to put my life on the line; it would be now."

Sam was a long array of blotches, pacing back and forth in front of him. Castiel couldn't tell what he was thinking. His hands handled the sheets that stretched flatly underneath him in a developing irritation.

Before Cas could say another word the blotch that was Sam had stopped moving. All sorts of different shades surrounded him now-drawing closer, until he felt a sudden pressure against his mouth. It left him with nothing else to say.

"Cas, you have to understand. I need you to stay behind. Please."

Cas released his grip on the bed and stared out, dazed and very much at odds with how to respond.

After a long moment of less than comfortable silence, he spoke up.

"...I can't. I'm sorry Sam, but I made a promise. I must watch over you."

There was a length of time where the silence reemerged and Sam breathed outwards, gazing at the floor from where he stood-adjacent to the night table.

Cas heard Sam walk around the room and heard the flick of the light switch, but did not follow him with his eyes.

A hand pressed down on his good shoulder-prompting him to lay sideways so that he could face the left wall.

He didn't move as Sam settled down beside him.

"I can watch over you too-at least. Would that be alright?"

Cas contemplated this with some uncertainty. While he contemplated, his eyes began to regain their focus and he could finally see clearly around the room.

He froze when he noticed Sam's face-reflected by the light in the hallway.

"...It is a change of pace."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good lord this chapter was tiring. I had to re-edit it at least three times because of computer problems. Anyway I really hope it came out well-it wasn't rushed but it felt like it was in some areas. :/ The next chapter may be the last...hmm.


	6. Harm In Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't."

"No!"

Cas blinked as he was pulled forward towards the voice that came from across a distance. A cry wavered out to him in the darkness-a pain that he could not make sense of as he drew closer to it.

He put his arm around it and in an instance it felt as if this body was not his own.

"It took him Cas. Dean...he's gone!"

_Cas_... A voice buzzed in the back of his mind. It was familiar, but at the same time-as passive as a wisp of air.

* * *

 

    Cas woke with a rush, gasping slightly as he surged forward into consciousness.  
He stood himself up on his elbows-shoulders flexed upwards and saw with his renewed vision that his wound had healed completely overnight.

Last night, after Cas gave Sam his answer they'd both simultaneously fallen asleep-however Cas had never dreamed, until now.

_Cas..._

He looked over at Sam who was still sleeping. His breathing was quickening, his eyes were twitching.

_Like this._

"No." Sam murmured.

_Like this._

 Cas carefully raised himself up by his arms-he then inched closer, hesitatingly, until he was face to face with Sam.

His movements however gained no response from Sam which was unusual due to his natural hunter's instinct.   
Cas looked defeatedly away, down by the foot of the bed-once again he was unsure of what to do.

"Cas." Sam mumbled, still dreaming.

"Dean-eh..." he twisted his head from side to side.

Cas frowned, looking back at him. It was the same dream.

Gradually he extended his arm out and gave Sam's shoulder a couple of light shakes before he started to wake.

Sam blinked his eyes heavily twice before lifting himself into a seated position, his legs dangled on one side of the bed.

He looked as if he was trying to recollect some kind of estranged thought before he quickly shrugged it off.

"Morning." He stated casually.

Cas furrowed with confusion-just moments ago he was having a fit and now...

Sam searched his face, still waiting for a reply. Cas realized this, gaping slightly from loss of focus.

"Yes, um." He cleared his throat. "Good morning, Sam."

Sam scoffed, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm gunna make something to eat. Eggs sound okay?"

Cas nodded shortly and was drawn back as Sam lifted himself off of the mattress.

Cas watched as he left. He couldn't help but notice something strange in how he carried himself. Sam's face was different somehow-more relaxed than usual. His casual demeanor made an unisual shift in current surroundings that gave Cas a worrisome churn in his gut.

"You go ahead and shower, I'll wash up after breakfast." Sam called from down the hall.

-

Cas stood underneath the shower head, water pounded against his scalp. It reminded him of rain.

_Cas..._

Cas' brows furrowed. He looked outside of the curtain, but noone was there.

_Like this._

"Sam?" He called out, but no one answered.

He returned his attention to the water and rinsed his face vigorously, eyes closed shut.

_Snip_

Cas' eyes flung open at the sound-almost like a slice. Scissors? A razor?

_Snip_

"...Sam?" He turned the water off, listening quietly as it emptied down the drain.

_Snip_

Cas sucked in a breath as he felt his mind drawing back into something he wasn't the least bit sure of.

* * *

 

_'Like this Cas, dang it-sit still!'_

_Cas flinched as a rough hand yanked on his overgrown locks, snipping and cutting one after the other._

_'Dean...' Sam said sympathetically. He stood leaning against the bathroom door, his arms crossed._

_'Don't look at me like that.' Dean said defensively. 'He was turning into freakin Chewbacca.'_

_'He doesn't know who that is, Dean.'_

_Dean continued to trim Cas' hair-the scissors were dull and had been giving him a hard time._   
_Eventually he gave up, setting them down on the counter and went to look for a new pair._

_'You're next.' He said gruffly, pointing at Sam as he walked by._

_Sam scoffed quietly to himself_.

* * *

   "Gah!" Castiel breathed. He felt fabric pressed against his torso, holding him up.

"Cas!" Sam called out.

Sam held the upper half of Cas against the tub, looking at him with frantic eyes.

"Um-I..." Sam looked purposely to the side.

"Can you stand?"

Cas nodded briefly, eyes half closed.

"Good." Sam said releasing him. He stood back, giving Cas room to move.

"And I didn't see anything so, don't worry about it."

Cas looked at him in confusion as he tried to regain both his balance and his thoughts. He swayed idly from side to side before he leaned back, skin bare against cold tiles.

"Hey Sammy, how's the-"

Sam turned around, awkwardly gesturing until he settled for the exit.

Dean stood, mouth slightly ajar and furrowed. Sam gave him a warning look before he closed the door behind them-before Dean got the chance to speak up.

Cas' heart pounded at the sound of Dean's voice. What was happening-how was this happening?

He could hear the brothers talking behind the door, their voices were low and muffled.

"He's fine, just fell. He's probably exaughsted."

"Listen Sammy. I get that you two are getting closer now, you being bunk buddies and all, but could you at least shut the door?"

"Dean." Sam said sternly. Cas visualized his expression tightening in response.

"He's been having nightmares. It helps to know someone's there,...someone real." His tone sounded as if he spoke from experience.

"Besides, I found him like that. He didn't answer when I knocked."

"Yeah, well remind me next time I take a shower-wouldn't want you to Incredible Hulk your way in during my morning shampoo."

Sam sighed, exasperated.

-  
Cas dressed himself in another room as quickly as possible after the boys had ended their conversation. He didn't bother paying any attention to what he threw on; a plaid shirt too big for his arms, a pair of ordinary boxer briefs and a couple of mismatched long socks. Once he was fully 'clothed' he stumbled out into the dining room.

When Cas entered the room, he saw the two brothers just finishing what seemed to have been a new conversation having to do with buying a T.V. for the living room.

Cas approached them hurriedly, his presence caught both of their attentions.

Picking up his coffee mug, Dean was the first to speak, seated at the table.

"Woah-you get dressed with your eyes closed again?"

Sam looked slightly concerned, his hand hovered loosely over a newspaper he'd been reading.

Without speaking Cas leapt forward and pulled Dean into a strong embrace, spilling some of his drink in the process.

"Um..okay." Dean exchanged confused looks with Sam who was also caught off guard.  
He gave Cas a few awkward pats on the back before he let go.

"Dean. I-... it's good to see you." Cas breathed. His hands were held firmly at his sides-although, his frame was slightly shaken.

"Cas..." Sam started. "You okay?"

Cas blinked, his eyes began to sting. He sighed, stuttering a little but smiled just the same.

"Cas." Dean said cautiously.

  
"What's wrong?"

_Cas_

_Cas_

"Cas!"

* * *

 

Castiel opened his eyes, sitting up with a force. He was in bed, again.

"Cas are you alright?"

Sam leaned over him with that same worrisome face.

"It looked like you were having a nightmare."

Cas didn't answer him, he just sat there until a pain rang through his shoulder.

"Don't move so much, its still healing." Sam placed a hand lightly over Cas wound.

"I'll redress it, then we'll eat something ...and then we can get going."

-

"It's not much, but-"

Sam placed two plates down on the table, each full of multiple eggs, bacon strips, buttered toast and a single beer and pie slice on the side.

"Dean would be proud." He grinned triumphantly.

"Dean." Cas said aloud. His posture stiffened where he stood, eyes focused on the meal presented to him.

Sam returned Cas' darkening features with his own, in confusion. There was a quick chill down his spine and a tightening in his throat that emphasized the instinctual feeling that something was wrong.

"What is it?" He asked. He leaned slightly toward him.

"I-I saw. Or I dreamt-" Cas nodded his head from side to side and raised his arms in weak gestures, not sure how to explain what he'd seen.

"Cas...you had a dream?" Sam stood closer to him.

"You've never dreamt before."

"I'm not quite sure if it was a dream." Cas said sulkily.

"Dean was here...and so were you. It felt familiar- like I was experiencing it as it was happening-it didn't feel like a dream, Sam." And that scared them both.

"I'm beginning to question my ability to distinguish what's real from what's not."

Sam placed his hand on Cas' arm and held him just enough to feel grounded.

"I'm real, Cas."

-

The ride was long and mundane-not to be made any better by Garth's smooth r&b mix CDs.

"Garth, do you have anything else to listen to-something less sleep-inducing?" Sam grumbled. He and Cas were seated in the back of the car-Cas had already begun to nod off to the slow beats.

"Sam-not liking 90s r&b?! That's number three on the 'Oh no no's' list."

"The what?" Sam furrowed-the reference was lost on him.

Kevin chuckled in the passengers seat. "Aziz Ansari." He said quietly, grinning to himself.

Sam's face went blank, he decided to count the number of road signs as a means of entertainment.

-

An hour or so passed and Sam's attention was drawn to Cas who'd started to wake up..

"Did you dream?" he asked.

"No." Cas nodded.

Sam felt a wave of relief. Whatever was happening with Cas was not something he wanted to have continued- too afraid of what it might bring.

There was a moment where the music had stopped between tracks and all that could be heard was the hum of the engine.

Sam shifted until he was pressed tightly against Cas-his head tilted in the opposite direction. Cas took the motion in stride, adding to it when he rested his own head by Sam's left shoulder. He then closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.

_'Don't.'_

_'Dont.'_

....

There was a gasp of air.

_"Don't."_ Cas said. He had said that, but he didn't remember why or to whom.

He swayed, feeling heavier than he ever had-his eyes dripped with tears and his voice came out sore and pitiful, all except from that one word. That one word was spoken with conviction.

It was so dark, it was eerie. The light in the bathroom had all but given out and there, standing with scissors at hand was Sam; hair cut jaggedly-manically, and face dripping wet with the smell of rain.

The silver scissors flashed in the shadows-just above Sam's arm where they were being held.

There was a crazed albeit determined look on Sam's face before Cas had spoken up, but it had diminished as soon as their eyes met-replaced by the most shamefaced look Cas had ever seen Sam make.

Sam put the scissors down heavily with a resounding thud but stood still as Cas started towards him-he stifled the shakes he found hard to suppress.

When Cas was directly infront of him, Sam reached out and pulled him into a hold that weighed down on the both of them until they were seated haphazardly on the floor.

In the back of his mind Cas wondered how anything could feel so familiar and yet at the same time, entirely unrecognizable.

He could feel the pieces of stray hair that remained on Sam's shoulders and the uneven places he'd butchered as he was being held. He felt the wetnes of Sam's face and his clothes and heard the seemingly endless apologies that came from his haggard voice.

He heard his own cries mingled with Sam's and couldn't stop them-could not moderate them or the sad way he took to the hold, and that infuriated him.

"I miss him too."

* * *

 

"Hey!" Sam shouted. He shook Cas shoulders until his eyes were clearly focused on him.

"You alright back there?" Garth asked, concerned-he continued to steer the wheel. Kevin was looking anxiously back at them, half turned around in his seat.

Cas sat up in his own seat, his face plain.

"It happened again." Sam stated without question. Cas nodded regardless.

Sam's face fell at Cas' affirming gesture despite the inevitability of the situation.  
He flashed a sharp look at Garth who'd occasionally glanced at them from the rearview mirror.

"Should I pull over?" He asked

Sam struggled with an answer but before he could speak up, Cas answered instead.

"No. Keep going-I'm fine."

-

"Well, this is it."

After traveling off road for while-into unmarked terrain, the car came to a slow stop in front of a tall mountainous structure.

There was a thud of doors and the sound of gravel as the they left the vehicle and stood in awe of what had become a beginning and an end for all of them.

"The cave is a long ways in. We can't get in by car so-looks like we're hoofin it from here." Sam looked back to Kevin and then Garth.

"Hopefully you'll see us in a few hours."

Before Sam and Cas left they'd all exchanged long looks, each carried the same dead-weight of uncertainty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone was wondering, my chapter titles have mainly been song titles. Didn't know if I should mention-also I know it's been a loooong wait for this chapter(I had to outline the plot...and I procrastinate), I'm sorry! >_0


	7. The Red Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -"I remember-everything."

They walked for a short while before the dirt ground turned into solid rock and the path had begun to drop, steeply.

The angle had made Sam walk at a faster pace than Cas by the time they’d both reached the entrance to the cavern.

Castiel gazed up at its massive surface which hovered over them and blocked them from the sun. It formed a sort of shaded pavilion outside, narrowing gradually back into the actual cave.

Inside, the cave was lit by thin cracks and crevices.

The space provided was wide and open, with many tunnels that lead to places they couldn't remember.  
Cas looked on as Sam stood a distance away from him and wondered which one they’d choose to look through first.

In a way it was ludicrous. They were blind one way or another and this place was nothing more than a last resort-an act of desperation. Cas refused to agree with that line of thinking however. They were passed doubts now, all that was left was chance.

He watched patiently as Sam contemplated between paths, when a sudden rumble began to distract him.

Cas looked down by his feet and noticed some pebbles trembling on the ground underneath him.

"Sam..."

Sam didn't seem to be bothered by it though. He passively took a step forward.

There was a louder sound this time and Cas could feel it-a large section of the roof began crumbling down on them, directly over Sam.

"Sam!" Cas shouted after him.  
He watched as shards of rock fell on top of him but was taken aback when they went straight through him. They faded into nothing, and Sam was unharmed.

Sam turned around, surprised by Cas’ outburst.

"What is it, are you okay?" He hurried over.

Cas' breathing was labored.  He began to hear an echoing from out of one of the tunnels. He looked over, passed Sam’s shoulder.

_‘...ssSammy!’_

"Over there." Cas stated. He briefly pointed towards the tunnel closest to the left.

Sam gave him a confused look before he started to trail behind him-Cas was moving fast.

"Cas-wait up." Sam called out, but it didn't slow him down. It wasn't long before Cas was engulfed by the darkened pathway.

"Dean!" Cas shouted as he ran. He did not know where the voice was leading him to.

He came to an abrubt stop by a ledge which became a mossy ground covered in leaves. He noticed as he looked down- he was no longer in a cave, but a forest.

"You listenin'?" Dean called out slightly irritated in front of him. Castiel looked at him, eyes wide open.

"This thing-between you two, I'm alright with it."

Cas didn’t know what to say, his throat felt dry-parched. He’d just then became aware of how painfully bright the sun was, shining down on them.

"Dean." He said but he didn't command it-his words came out, automatically.

"Yeah, yeah. Spare me the details." Dean picked up his rifle from the bag that laid adjacent to him. He reloaded it with a jerk and then shot and hit at a makeshift target from far away.

"Here." He handed the rifle off to Cas who took it willingly. Dean smirked as he looked appreciatively back at his own marksmanship.

"Think you can beat that?" He teased.

Cas aimed, unaffected by Dean’s comment.  
While he positioned himself to shoot Dean hung his head low-his face pensive.

"Look, I'm not the best at these kind of things."  
Cas paused for a moment and glanced at Dean from the corner of his eye.

"Tomorrow...we don't know what's gunna happen, but every second counts-even now. I know...he wants us to take some time off right now, but-" Dean gritted his teeth together.

“You know,…you’re the closest friend I’ve ever had- damn near close enough to be my own flesh and blood, and you and Sammy- you two are the only ones I have left to care about. Just remember what I asked you, alright? If anything happens to me or if I'm not able to help you guys out, I need you to promise me, Cas. Promise me you'll look after Sam."

Cas turned his head to face Dean, his expression was filled with determination.

  
"I promise, Dean."

He then turned back towards the target and shot-his bullet tore straight through the center alignment.

Dean's brows rose as he placed his hands into his jacket pockets.

"Son of a bitch."

-

  
"Ah-gh...!" Cas stumbled, feeling as if the air had been taken from his lungs.

Something was happening to him, but he did not know what.

_It was brighter still- his eyes were squeezed shut, but somehow he knew he was in the same place he'd been before-back in the caves._

_Castiel looked up and saw the sky in widened gaps that hadn't been there before. The spaces were less narrow and pushed-together so that they allowed more light to pour through and revealed the former whiteness of the cave stone. It was renewed._

_He walked up a long hill-curious, until from a distance he'd seen a large wall of light, and with it came a noise he'd never heard before that made him fall to his knees._

-  
Cas heard shouting in the background and quick footfalls.

"Cas!?" Sam called out. He was only a silhouette, where he stood.

Cas couldn't speak up, his mind reeling-with what? He heard a loud screeching sound. It echoed throughout his entire body, it spoke to him.

There was a rumbling again, only this time it seemed real as Sam's eyes scoured the ceiling of the cave. He started to run towards Cas not entirely sure he'd even been where he stood-on a ledge deep within the dark cavern, where the path had ended.

"Cas!" He called out. His eyes grew wide when he saw him. The floor beneath him was cracked and broke apart.

Cas began to fall with it-steady at first, but the slow pace would not last.

In a desperate attempt to save him, Sam reached out with his whole body, unconsciously switching their positions. It was by that time that the ledge had detached itself completely and Sam was sent plummeting down with it.

"Sam!" Cas bellowed.

When everything had settled, the silence afterwards was deafening.

-

At the bottom of the ledge was a wide expansion of flat rock and large patches of mud hills here and there. There may have been tunnels, although it was uncertain due to the lack of light.

Cas used his abilities to transport himself to where Sam was and flinched at how badly the use of his own powers affected him.

"Sam..." He called out. He heard coughing close to where he stood.

Cas found Sam wedged underneath a multitude of rocks-none too big to be called boulders but heavy enough to keep him pinned flat against the mud. Only his upper torso was shown and one leg from underneath the wreckage. His mouth dribbled red blood and he groaned as he tried to move.

Castiel did not call out to him again. Instead, he immediately strode forward, lowering himself in front of Sam and placed his hand to his collarbone.

"No...!" Sam protested weakly, but Cas did not yield.

A red glow surfaced around his palm as Sam struggled to stop him..

"Sam, I remember-everything." Cas awed to himself.

Sam furrowed, not knowing what he was talking about. Cas’ face looked saddened as he acknowledged this.

"C-s...I said...I'd look out for you." Sam’s words became slurred and heavy towards the end. His breath struggled raggedly between his teeth.

"...and you did."

The red light grew stronger underneath Cas’ palm.

"It’s my turn, now."

Sam gripped at Cas’ arms with a marred hand that left red smears around his wrists when he let go.

"I don't care if I die." Sam said, pleadingly. His eyes were becoming harder to keep open.

Cas looked both perturbed and sympathetic as he leant forward to brush the matted hair from Sam’s forehead.

Sam grimaced, feeling grace blister through him.  
It rang out as it grew- stronger still, and enveloped Sam with such a force until it bursted through the cracks of the rocks themselves and ground them into dust.

The remaining specks disperesed into the air, and created a light shroud of smoke that formed a ring around them.

Cas’ eyes began to glow as light poured through him in a cascade similar to that of ignited flames. His wings presented themselves in the shadow of his grace. It was the largest amount of power he'd exhumed in a long time.

Everything around Cas had faded to black- all except Sam who was a soft glow in the shadow. However in the distance he saw a figure being lit up; it stood apart from all other things.

That figure was Dean.

Cas stared at the phantom.

His grace strained and made him feel like a ticking bomb-liable to explode at any moment.  
The figure looked on however,-assuredly, but his features still evoked a certain sadness to them that could not be explained.

In one sudden motion all of the power had receded back into himself and Cas’ body fell off to the side with a loud thud.

Without any reserve Sam hurried over to him. He scooped Cas’ hand from the ground and put it flat up against his chest. Frustrated, he pulled it away and then back against himself- repetitively. When there was no response, he lowered his hand in front of Cas’ face and shook slightly when he found that there was a faint breath still there.

Distraught, Sam stumbled into a stance, taking Cas with him in a carry.  
Cas’ limbs fell limply at his sides.

Sam became choked as he attempted to look for a way out.  
He looked up from where they'd fallen but saw that it was too high and too flat to climb their way out.

"If you're looking for a way out, Sam-"

Sam spun around and was baffled by who he saw. In front of him stood Josué-the seer. He slowly walked from out of the darkest shadows.

"You really should consider doing the opposite."

"Josué?" Sam said, confused.

The man stilled for a moment. His whole form dissolved into someone else-someone he knew.

"Hello again, Sam."

"...Joshua." Sam stood back, his eyes were wide and disbelieving.

"I-I don't understand. How are you here? Aren't you supposed to be sealed up in-heaven?"

Joshua turned himself back toward where he’d came, and in the darkness shown a light which revealed a bright red door. Sam watched it manifest in astonishment.

"There is so much you don't remember,...but everything you need to know is right through that door.”

Sam recalled what Cas had said earlier while he was still caught underneath the rubble.

_'-I remember-everything.'_

His eyes fell down on Cas’ body

"What are you talking about? What do I need to remember?"

"Sam, do you remember how Dean died?"

Sam looked at him, horrified.

"...Dean is dead? I didn't see him die-I saw, I saw...a light!"

"I'm sorry, Sam. I am not the one to tell you. You have to face your memories on your own." Joshua then snapped his fingers and in an instant, both he and Cas had vanished, leaving Sam to stumble backward when his hands were emptied.

-

Sam walked reluctantly towards the door. Desolate, and alone and with no other options available to him-he stepped inside.


	8. Memories of That Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm always with you."

Between orange and red trees, while it was windy and the skies were dismal-he'd sat there, slumped in the debris.  
  
It was autumn.  
  
-"Hey-hey-hey-" Sam said cautiously, he brought his hand down to fasten Castiel back onto the mattress. Cas responded, discombobulated as he was made to lie back down.

Not too far away from them stood Dean who did not look their way directly. His eyes were cast over the window. His expression was tentative and cold as he observed the their reflections in the framed glass. His hands clenched.  
  
Without any explanation Dean excused himself from the hotel room, shutting the door behind himself with a loud clack. Sam soon followed, but not before he'd silenced his phone which had been beeping nonstop that day.                                                                                                               

-"I think he's going to be o-"  
  
"Don't start with that. Don't you dare." Dean snapped. He rubbed roughly at his jaw. Sam gave him a sympathetic look.  
  
"He's broken, Sam. Didn't you see him?" Dean pointed at the door in emphasis.  
  
"Why didn't he come to us first? I mean-what happened to him?"  
  
"I don't know, Dean." Sam shrugged helplessly. His face fell with his shoulders.  
  
"Son of a bitch!" Dean kicked at one of the wooden beams attached to the balcony which caused it to lean more on one side.                                                                                                                                                               

Bringing Cas back to the bunker had been no easy task. He was medicated and disoriented, not to mention severely sore and bruised having been beaten by former brothers and sisters who'd fallen; the one thing he spoke the least about.  
  
They didn't know what had happened to Cas. In all the time spent since they'd last seen him, before Metatron had completed his ritual-it'd only been a few months passed.  
  
Sam stood in the middle of the living room where Cas slept fussily on the sofa. Kevin sat in a small armchair beside him.  
  
"How's he doing?" Sam asked.

It was obvious just by looking at him that it wasn't well. Cas tossed from side to side, moaning. He'd came close to falling several times. Sam caught him before he could hit the floor and sighed when he looked over to Kevin from where he'd sat, crouched.  
  
"Maybe I should move him to a bed."  
  
Kevin nodded in agreement.  
  
"That'll give you some more room to sleep."  
  
Kevin began to stand as Sam also stood, -in front of Castiel.  
  
"Garth says he's got a place I can stay- I won't have to crash here anymore. Not that I'm not grateful or anything."  
  
Sam scoffed as he angled himself to lift Cas up. He knew the movement would hurt him-his wounds weren't all accounted for.  
  
Cas made a sound of protest as he was wrestled into a hold.  
  
He gave Kevin a brief if not awkward sort of smile as he balanced the former in his arms.  
  
"Get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be a long day."                                                                                                                                                       
  
Sam woke the next morning with an ache and a weight against his armpit-Castiel's head settled in, against him.  
He fidgeted still. He was having nightmares-he was human. 

-

"So-here we are." Crowley smirked with a mild sense of amusement.  
  
They'd gathered into the library.   
"You know what this sounds like to me..." Crowley began, as he needlessly flipped through the pages of some old book.  
  
"It sounds like you're all actually reconsidering the death trap that is resuming the tablet tasks."  
  
Dean gawked slightly, holding back a snide retort, instead he settled for a sarcastic nod.  
  
"Yeah, sounds like it."  
  
Sam furrowed, but made no comment.  
  
"Look, if there's anything you know, anything at all-you wouldn't just be helping us."  
  
"S'that right now, moosie-well, how do you figure?"  
  
Sam bit his lip frustratedly before he continued.  
  
"We don't know what kind of future Metatron has in store for us-any of us; that includes you. In your current state, and based on what's happened - I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth."  
  
Crowley squinted, his eyes panned around the room. They were all looking at him. He cleared his throat as he adjusted in his chair. He tipped his chin on top of his folded hands which were bound by demonic shackles that clacked as they hit the table.   
  
"What do you have in mind?"  
  
Dean walked up to him slowly. Each step gave an authoritative thud.   
  
"How do we break into Lucifer's cage?"

  
-

'Do you remember now, Sam?'  
  
....  
  
'Do you remember that day?'  
  
Sam opened his eyes to a white void.  
  
Seemingly from out of nowhere, Joshua walked towards him in a casual stride.  
  
"Where's Cas!?" Sam gasped outwardly, he was both shaken and vexed.  
  
"Still? You can't seem to recall..." Joshua looked genuinely perplexed by this.  
  
"Sam...these are your memories. Your real memories." He paced forward.  
  
"What you know now are alterations of those memories-to an extent, but up to a certain point in time you were the only one who was suppressing them. Cas for example, remembered everything once he'd accepted them for what they were. Why is it then that you can't do the same?"  
  
"What do you mean alterations?"  
  
"Certainly you can recall some of these past events, but not in every detail...the missing pieces to the puzzle that is-what's been changed in order to keep you from searching."  
  
Sam leaned slightly forward and scoffed.

"You mean you've been taking out parts of our memory to keep us from something-like what?" Then he stopped, a cold chill passed through him.  
  
"From Dean?"  
  
"It's time for you to remember..." Joshua interrupted. He raised his hand and waved it over Sam before he had a chance to speak.  
  
-  
  
Sam could feel his heart being squeezed and his throat tightening, and although he lied down-he was restless.

He reached for something, enveloping it in his arms and it whipped the air inward by his neck as it gasped.  
  
He felt a cold wetness drip from his scalp which was water and a likewise sensation on his shoulder, but it was on his arm that he felt a warmth that slid down his elbow, like sweat-only thicker; like blood.  
  
"Cas." Sam called out feebly, he felt disoriented, but couldn't deny his coming into awareness. This was a memory that'd been kept, hidden away from him.  
  
He felt along Cas' back which shook with sobs that were muffled by his shoulder.  
  
"Cas" he slurred.  
  
"M'sorry, Cas. Mhm'sorry..."   
  
Behind Cas, and just outside of the bathroom door-the hallway had begun to stretch out longways, and had become dark and hollowed. Soon after, everything around Sam had darkened and he was once again left with nothing more than the door that stood before him.  
  
Still laid out on the floor, he felt nauseous-anxious.

A part of him knew this was it. When Joshua talked about how he'd been keeping things from himself...and he didn't want to remember, but he had to know what was beyond that door.  
  
Sam pulled himself from the ground and began to walk towards it. The door glowed ominously, a faint red.  
  
He turned the handle and stepped inside, the door closed itself behind him as he went in. 

-  
  
"Ah-" Sam shielded himself from the brightness of the sun. He walked on gravelly terrain.   
  
"Come on Sam were close now." Dean called. He looked ahead of himself to where his brother stood, calling. His voice was stern, but Sam knew better than anyone that he was hiding something. Behind his commanding exterior Dean was unsettled about something... something wasn't right. 

"Cas is finishing up on his end-we should be able to do these at the same time -I hope. "   
  
They were climbing up a steep hill that lead up to a large cave.   
  
"If we did these at the same time, it might have kept you-know-who from finding us." Dean's eyes glazed over for a moment before he nodded once to himself.   
  
"Yep. Guess that'll just have to do eh, Sammy?"  
  
"Dean... "   
  
"-What?" Dean snapped.   
  
Sam stood quietly.   
  
"... We're almost there." Dean said roughly, and continued to walk. As he walked the scene began to flicker for a moment-changing back with a blink of an eye.   
  
They were at a summit now, waiting for Cas. He remembered, they were waiting for Cas to finish the angel tablet-the real one.   
How did they know where to find it, and even then how could they accomplish such things with Metatron watching over them?   
  
'How do we break into Lucifer's cage? '  
  
Sam's mind was struck with panic.   
  
They'd opened the cage. Not only that, but they'd let out two of the deadliest adversaries they've ever faced.   
Lucifer... Michael.   
  
Luckily Michael's sense of duty hadn't been stifled by the cage. When he caught wind of what was happening in heaven, it'd become his first priority to put an end to it.   
  
His report with the Winchesters had since then been indifferent for the time being and shockingly, cooperative- although mostly Michael acted as a diversion for them.   
  
It would be Lucifer then who they had to watch out for.   
  
They couldn't get the trials done fast enough  
  
"Come on, Cas where are you!? " Dean spoke gruffly.   
  
"He's got to be finishing up on his end by now, Dean. I know it. He' ll be here soon enough. "   
  
Dean smiled a genuine smile, and half looked at Sam.   
  
"You were always the optimist... you worried about him? "   
  
Sam nodded his head slightly, confused.   
  
" Yeah,... Yeah of course. Aren't you?"  
  
Dean laughed quietly to himself. He looked Sam directly in his eyes, but his expression wasn't stern like it'd been before-it was tender, knowing.   
  
"He's family. "  
  
Sam found the sudden warmth peculiar but gave him an amused look in return.   
  
As they exchanged looks, Dean began to flicker again-only this time the distortion did not cease, but instead grew worse as Sam's mind was filled with static.   
  
" Sam? " Dean called out. He looked concerned. Could he see it too? 

"Sam."

The light was fading.   
  
"... Sam!"

It had turned into complete darkness. 

...

 

_Hello again, Sam._

Sam gasped within himself, it was as if his eyes had been forced open to see.   
  
Dean was raised in front of him, his eyes clouded with a strange light that took over his entire body. He struggled for a breath-his windpipe suppressed by Sam's own hand.   
  
On his skin, the light seemed to smoke off of him, but he didn't appear to be burned by it. However, it was only a few more moments before his body had gone completely limp.   
  
Before Sam had time to process what was happening, another light came into view and engulfed them all. He watched as Dean fell to the ground, eyes vacant.   
  
He'd heard a painful scream then, but who's he did not know for sure.  
  
As he was returned to himself, he saw that Dean was nowhere to be found.   
  
Sam rose to his feet with a heaviness that seemed as if he would never stand again. He was in such disbelief that he forgot to tremble.   
  
From his side, he brought forth his own knife and slowly, thoughtless raised it towards himself.   
  
"Sam! " a voice called from a distance-it was fatigued and desperate.   
  
Sam instantly dropped the knife, leaving it abandoned on the ground.   
  
" Cas... "  
  
Castiel gripped his own arm as he applied pressure to some new wound. He managed his way over to where Sam stood before he spoke again.   
  
"Where's Dean?" he spoke, softly.   
  
He'd acquired the true tasks from Metatron. He'd regained his grace in accordance to those tasks, and then had it crippled by them.   
  
When Sam didn't reply, Cas' eyes went wide.   
  
"Sam." He moved his arm to support Sam who'd begun to look slightly faint.   
-

_I made a promise._

-

  
" What? "   
  
Sam looked up and found himself back in the darkened bathroom with Cas by his side. They sat on the floor-Cas steadied him with both arms.   
He smiled at Sam, his blue eyes reflected light from an unknown source.   
  
Sam, overwhelmed with guilt, refused to look him face to face. He turned his body away, noticing that his arm was unmarked -unlike before.   
  
" Do not make me say it. " Cas said gravelly.   
  
Sam glanced at him timidly.   
  
" It wasn't your fault, Sam. I- "  
  
" Does any of that matter?! "   
Sam turned towards him. His eyes ran with warm tears.   
  
" All of this searching- all of it. We were running around in circles. And for what?! None of this mattered, Cas. It was me... I killed Dean. "   
  
Castiel pursed his lips tightly, his brows came to a furrow and he spoke very sternly.   
  
" Lucifer- harmed Dean, Sam-not you."  
  
Cas pushed Sam's jaw so that he'd look at him.   
  
"You are not a monster. "   
  
Sam placed a hand on Cas'. This was the Cas he'd known before-before their memories were warped and misplaced. They were closer here, he could tell. They were connected by moments that had become blank pages in the back of his mind.   
  
"Where are you, Cas? "   
  
Castiel, seemingly unfazed by his comment, leaned forward and kissed him on his forehead.   
  
Sam closed his eyes and behind the lids, saw a hospital setting were he laid there, unconscious and in bed. Cas was by the Sam who was in the hospital bed. He rose from where he'd stood, hunched over Sam -he'd just placed a kiss to his forehead.   
  
Cas' voice spoke out over the entire scene.   
  
 _" I'm always with you. "_  
  
Sam opened his eyes to a mysterious room. It was dark and quiet.   
  
Around him were what looked like machines, although he wasn't entirely sure what they were for.   
  
He followed the line of tubes and cables to a large capsule. It glowed, softly blue.   
  
" Dean. "   
  
Inside of the capsule stood Dean, who looked as if he'd been sleeping all this time.   
  
Sam was breathless as he stepped forward, he couldn't believe his eyes.   
  
" Yes, it's really him. " Joshua interrupted.   
  
Sam turned to him shocked and misty-eyed.   
  
" What is that thing? " he asked.   
It concerned him-was it a kind of life support or maybe a soul torture device?   
  
" This is Limbo. "   
  
Joshua stood next to the contraption.   
  
" What happened to Dean- the toll that Lucifer left on him, corrupted his soul. It left him mutilated, almost to the point of no return. Those tasks you completed, that light above all other lights, the banishment of Lucifer from your very body... "   
  
He gestured to the capsule which in turn reacted by opening itself up to them. Steam drifted outwardly from it as it did.   
  
"You summoned God. "   
  
Sam didn't know how to react- whether or not he should be happy about this new revelation, he didn't care. His eyes were on Dean.   
  
Dean gasped, awoken. He stumbled forward, almost falling before Sam caught him. He struggled, overwhelmed with confusion before his eyes came into focus.   
  
"What in the hell ?! " he croaked. He coughed a few times to clear his voice.   
  
Sam laughed joyfully despite himself, he couldn't help it. He pulled Dean into a tight embrace.   
" Sam... Where the hell are we? "   
  
Sam looked around and found themselves back towards the entrance of the cave.   
  
Dean looked down at himself, and suddenly jerked from out of Sam's grasp.   
  
" Dude, where are my friggin' clothes? " He asked, covering himself.   
  
Sam hadn't even noticed, handing his jacket over to him so that he could wrap it around himself.   
  
As they walked back to the car, Sam explained all that'd happened in Dean's absence.   
  
" You got to be kidding me ... " Dean sneered, although his tone was slightly awed. It'd felt like one long sleep to him, a void. He couldn't recall anything since that day.   
  
They'd trekked all of the way down the hill before Dean brought it up. 

 

"...Wherever he is, we'll find him. " 

Sam didn't respond, he only nodded.   
  
" Hey-were going to find him, understand? " Dean urged.   
  
Sam nodded again- this time from side to side.   
  
" Don't need to Dean, he's already with me."  
  
Dean furrowed at him, but before he could speak up he was interrupted by a loud car horn.   
  
" Son of a-" he looked at Sam.   
  
" Kevin,... Garth, really? " he motioned to himself, still half dressed.   
  
Sam smiled briefly before he continued to meet up with the other two who's expressions were completely baffled.   
  
They'd done it, they'd found Dean...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been very forethright about any of my chapters because I wanted you guys to kind of figure it out but to avoid any confusion- this chapter focused mainly on things that have actually happened in the past with Dean, Sam, and Cas. (After Metatron) P.S. My punctuation is awful. Also just want to mention some allusions/implications. The reason I chose a cave as 'the place where it all began' was inspired by the book, A Passage to India. The title of this chapter is a song from the FFIX soundtrack because I'm dorky like that. I think it fit pretty nicely though. Thankyou to everyone who's had the patience to keep up with my story. :) I appreciate it. One chapter left, and a new season soon! wooh :D


	9. Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It was then that he felt it."

"This is a foolish game you're playing." Michael spoke freely as he and Castiel kept a gradual pace towards their chosen location.   
  
"I will detain him-therefore you shall get what you came for...the tasks,your grace. Know that it will not guarantee your safety thereafter; Lucifer has still been freed from the confines of the cage. Even with your grace back, you will be no match."  
  
"And you will have no aims to stop him? " Cas asked, justly.   
  
Michael looked thoughtfully as the question was asked. He responded quietly, hauntingly.   
  
"Time spent in the cage made me realize that the conflict between Lucifer and myself will never truly be resolved. Besides,...this vessel has been through more than what was meant for him. He should be at peace."  
  
"I'm surprised that you care for your vessel at all. You were never quite so indebted to humankind before. "   
  
" I think I'm beginning to understand your fondness of them. Despite their gall, they will always carry the one thing we've never had-that for us can only be learned through them, by them."  
  
Castiel looked at him questioningly.   
  
" A soul, Castiel. "   
  
                                                                                                                                                            -  
The scent of him still permeated through thin sheets. It was nostalgic, and nauseating.   
  
How many days had been forgotten? There were too many to count all at once, but they came back to him like a headache, and despite the way he presented himself on the outside-on the inside, Sam was reeling with confliction.  
  
" Hey, gigantor- let's get going. This research ain't gonna look for itself."  
  
Sam turned catching a glimpse of Dean before he'd already left.   
  
He stretched a bit, having just woken and pressed his thumb and index finger between both eyes. When he did, he found that they were damp. He looked down at his pillowcase and saw a darkened spot from where his head had rested.   
                                                                                                                                                        -  
" I told you Dean, we should move on. "  
  
Dean glanced up at him, eyes slanting.   
  
" What's going on with you, and don't say its nothing or so help me- I know you want to find him, so stop acting like you've taken on this hippie perspective . Saying he's with you when he clearly ain't-and I know that it bothers you, Sam-it does bother you doesn't it? "   
  
" Yes! " Sam shouted.   
  
" It bothers me, Dean. I can hardly sleep at night-it bothers me so much. I'm remembering things-" he looked down, grief stricken.   
" -things that happened before all of this, and while some of that was bad there was still a pretty decent amount of good in there too... It just, feels like its happening all over again. First I lost you, and now it's Cas. What if its another mind game? "   
  
" You listen to me, we're getting through this. " Dean slapped his hand atop the papers he'd laid out across the table.   
  
" That's what you always say."  
  
" Yeah, well get used to it." Dean moved through the pages fussily.   
  
" He's my friend too, damn it. I'm not just going to forget about him. "   
  
Sam looked as if he was about to argue when his phone rang out.   
  
"Hello? Meryl." He breathed.   
  
A voice teetered frantically over the phone. There were sounds of a struggle, then the voice switched.   
  
Sam made eye contact with Dean, his face struck with a sudden anxiety.   
  
"What is it? " Dean said as Sam withdrew his phone.   
  
" Abaddon. "   
  
                                                                                                                                                   -  
" So let me get this straight. You're a father? " Dean spoke plainly, but his voice had a certain airiness to it that leaned more towards a joyful disbelief.   
  
" Abaddon,... " Dean said contemplatively.   
  
" I thought she was dealt with." Sam said softly, almost to himself.   
  
" She's weakened, but not dead-not yet. " Dean gripped the steering wheel.   
They sat in a tense silence for a time before Dean spoke up-he glanced at Sam who sat sulkily against the side window.   
  
" So what happened between both of you, y'know, before I was put in the freezer?"  
  
Sam gave him a curious look.   
  
"I know you're saying it bothers you that he's not here, but your behavior is making me wonder if something happened between you two. "  
  
Sam thought for a moment, recalling the memories he'd forgotten-the ones that made his head throb with an overwhelming pain.  
  
" I... After you left we started looking for you, I thought-you had to be somewhere, anywhere. Alive. I never told Cas the truth. That I was possessed, or that I...but I have a feeling he knew about it anyway, I'd tried to kill myself once before. "  
  
There was a jerk from Dean's handling of the impala that yanked them both forward.   
  
Dean regained his composure the best he could before they carried on.   
  
" What the hell Sam? "   
  
The two exchanged indignant looks, although both of their expressions faltered when met with face to face.   
  
Dean lowered his voice.   
  
" I know I wasn't here, but Cas was, and so was your kid; my niece! "  
  
" I didn't know about her then. This was before Joshua warped our memories."  
  
"Still. " Dean breathed out heavily.   
  
" I thought it was my fault, and even after the trials-Cas was only at half power . I was draining him, and I didn't even know if we'd find you.   
I know what I did was wrong and the look on Cas' face when... I've never seen anyone look as horrified as he did, and how it felt to know I'd done that to him, don't think for a second that I don't still regret that. "  
  
Dean shook slightly, taking in all of this information.   
  
" After all of the things we've been through, and it's not just us but Cas too. Never again, you hear me? We don't deserve that-you don't deserve that. " He gave Sam a hard look to which Sam nodded, sullenly.   
  
They were both taken a back Sam's phone.   
  
" Meryl! " Sam said surprised.   
  
"Sam. I don't know what's going on... "   
  
"Just calm down, okay? What's wrong? "   
  
She sounded congested, like she'd been crying for some time, and there was movement like she was trying to shift her position.   
  
" I got my arms free, I'm in the basement. I don't know where she went-my husband... " she's sobbed.   
" He's unconscious. Clara is missing, I don't know where she took her. "   
  
"We're coming, right now-my brother and I are on our way. Don't try to go anywhere, don't try to find her, whatever you do-just stay where you are.... Meryl?   
  
"... I can see something, through the window. What is that? " she awed. The phone line cut, leaving nothing but the dial tone.   
  
" Damn it. " Dean said having overheard the conversation.   
  
" We're almost there. Almost." Sam said, but it seemed like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else.                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                       -

When they arrived it took them seconds to reach the basement. 

" Sam! " Meryl called out. She was pressed up against a corner, her husband James was lying half awake in her arms.   
  
" Dean. " Sam said quietly between them. Dean nodded and started to help lift James' body upstairs.   
  
" Who is that? "   
  
Sam began to untie Meryl's legs while he spoke.   
  
" That's Dean-my big brother. Don't worry, you're going to be alright."  
  
"She said she was saving us, for when you'd show up. That she wanted you to watch. Did you find Clara? "   
  
Sam stilled for a moment, tossing the rest of the rope to the side.   
  
" How you doing down there? " Dean called from the stair case.   
  
Sam walked quickly up to him.   
  
"How's James? "  
  
" Shockingly, alive. He might have a couple fractured fingers, maybe a few cuts here and there but, yeah. No signs of Abaddon in the house. "   
  
" Meryl said that Abaddon wanted us to see this. We might be in the middle of a trap. I'm going after her- "   
  
"-Woah, woah, woah. What do you expect me to do? I can't let you just take off in your own."   
  
" Stay here, watch after them. "   
  
Sam didn't wait for Dean to respond before he took off.   
  
                                                                                                                                                               -  
  
It was then that he felt it. In that moment, while he ran through wooded area of the backyard, the one thing going through Sam's mind was his daughter, and the uncertainty of her condition felt to him like a trembling string of fate pressed against a cold scissor blade.   
  
" Abaddon! " he yelled. He stood in the midst of many tall trees.   
  
Sam stepped forward a few paces stopping when he noticed a small bundle beneath him.   
  
He bent over to pick up the swaddled fabric-an empty lavender blanket.   
  
" Where is she!?" he shouted to no one, gasping at his loss of breath. It couldn't be too late, it couldn't be.   
  
" Hello Sam... " Sam spun around facing a tall, lone maple tree. It's leaves swayed softly in the breeze and were a brightly colored red in comparisson to the trees around it. Sat underneath of it was Castiel who's clothing was partially frayed and blotted with blood spatter as if he'd been in a fight. In his arms he held Clara who like before seemed to be at peace when placed in his arms.   
  
                                                                                                                                                  -   
  
When everything was said and done, there was a peacefulness in the air. Autumn leaves fell gingerly from the trees and it was quiet.   
  
Sam returned to the house with Castiel and the baby who'd already grown so much since they'd last seen her.   
  
Meryl's face lit up when she saw her, Cas gently handed her to her mother.   
  
" I can't thank you enough, Sam." she cried, wiping at her eyes. 

She cradled Clara for a few moments before lightly pinching at Sam's arm in order to gain his attention.   
  
"I think we can fix our arrangement, I want you to be able to see her from time to time. I think that she'd want that too."  
  
Sam gaped a bit.   
  
"Are you sure? " he asked.   
  
Meryl nodded, lifting Clara up to him. She then walked back towards the house.   
  
Sam smiled, tearfully. He saw Dean smiling also as he stood by the front door.   
  
Cas placed a supporting hand against Sam's arm.   
  
" How are you here? Cas...what happened? "   
  
Cas squinted, looking at the infant in Sam's arms.   
  
" I was given a choice. The gates of heaven were to be shut permanently- only to function under God's command. Joshua told me... I could regain my grace and become an arch-angel in heaven for eternity, or become devoid of all my grace, but with the one thing I've never had claim to. My own human soul. I am truly, completely, human now. "   
  
Sam looked at him, eyes wide and curious.   
  
" You chose to become a human? Why? "  
  
Cas smiled as if it was obvious.

In his mind he mused about how clueless Sam could be at times like these,-although there was an underlying sadness to these moments having mainly to do with the fact that Sam could not recognize his own self-worth.   
  
" For her- " He said looking at Clara.   
  
" -and Dean, and you. Besides, it _is_ our anniversary. "   
  
Sam brows furrowed. He moved forward, holding Cas closely with one arm while he cradled Clara in the other.   
  
" I love you. " He spoke into his shoulder.   
  
Cas leaned his head to one side, lying against Sam's bent shoulder.   
  
" I know. "


End file.
